Posted in The Bookish Life

I’m Just Kidding, Please Don’t Bury Me in an Empty Treadmill Box

When I die, I don’t have a lot of specific preferences for my burial.  I’d rather not be a kill-trophy in some sociopath’s basement.  Other than that, I’m not too picky.  Just so long as the ground is consecrated.  I’ve read a lot of vampire stories over the years.  You can’t be too careful.  But if I am dead in some psycho’s cellar, he has probably already cut my head off, so we should be covered for vampiric contingencies in the event of my end via serial murder.

Pre-planning your funerals is really the most type-A thing you can do.  Naturally, my husband and I half-assed it by buying a plot.  Just one plot.  We are going into the ground mattress-style.  Whichever of us dies last is going in face down.  But at least we have a bit of dirt somewhere with our name on it.  As for everything else?  Well, worst case scenario, I saved the box my treadmill came in. 

I really blame our lack of planning on a general wariness of the funeral industry.  An uneasiness that started with the funeral home near our first apartment with the billboard “ALWAYS ROOM FOR ONE MORE!”*

But more recently, the funeral service from which we purchased our plot has been aggressively soliciting our attention by inviting us to various family activities they are hosting.  Movie nights and easter parties hosted by your local funeral parlor!  This is a business that profits from people being all different kinds of dead.  Are you really going to munch a plate of pizza bagels at a funeral home hosting a screening of Three Men and a Little Lady?  I guess I understand the easter party though.  I mean, Jesus died and came back, isn’t that a 2 for 1 in the funeral biz?

My theory is that the funeral makers of the world just have a much better sense of humor than the rest of us.  The things they write about their experiences seem to prove this theory. 

Alexandra Mosca, playboy centerfold and mortician giving us the full-frontal embalming.

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And then there is the Italian American mortician experience where no one ever leaves the cannoli.

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Caitlin Doughty, mortician and death diva even has her own, very entertaining, youtube channel.  She uses her sense of humor to help people deal with the eventual punctuation at the end of their life sentences. 

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And here is this casket-dropping compilation recommended by no less than the creator of Hap and Leonard. 

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Or you could just skip the reading and go straight to the pictures in this for-charity wall calender, Men of Mortuaries.  What month do you want to die in?

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*The billboard might have belonged to the car wash next door.  But I am still highly suspicious.

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